How To Build A Stronger Relationship With Your Child - A Story

The moment my son stormed off shouting at me on top of a mountain, I knew I had failed him. He was 11 years old. 

Up until that point I thought I’d figured it all out. 

Job? Good.
Marriage? Great.
Parenting? Apparently broken.
What had happened?

At work and with my wife I understood the importance of building relationships: Relationships build trust and trust is the foundation to success.

I even invested $1,000s on becoming a coach to improve my leadership toolkit. The ability to listen intently and ask meaningful questions allowed me to build a great team at work. But I failed with my son. How?

At work we encounter all kinds of difficult characters. But we remain calm and professional. Then when we get home, suddenly all that patience is gone, right? It's because we think we don't need to build relationships at home. We're a family after all.

But that's wrong.

When kids are young, they need you to:
• be present
• play with them
• show them your love

But once they hit double digits, they need more from you. And I failed to understand that. I assumed he would just listen to me. I was his father after all. But I wasn’t building a relationship with him. And he lost trust in me. 

The result? A father and son drifting apart.

How did we overcome it?

When a family situation is messed up, it is you as a parent who needs to own it. Taking ownership of your mistakes isn't reserved just for business. 

I had messed up by being so focused on improving the relationships at work and not translating those lessons to the family life.

So I went back to the tools I use every day at work:
• listen intently 
• ask powerful questions 
• and help people chart their own path

This is exactly what my son needed from me. 

I also promised my son to be the father that he needed me to be, one who he can always come to. And to make that promise stick, I scheduled in two walks for him and I each week. Just us. No agenda. Me listening, asking questions and building our relationship.

It wasn’t an easy start, he had never experienced me like this. I had always been too busy before. Multi-tasking, hustling. But I couldn’t live with myself knowing I knew how to coach other people but not have the patience for my own child. 

It’s been over 8 months now since our falling out on the mountain and our relationship has never been better. 

We still go for our walks. I ask him how he is. And I ask him to reflect on his actions. I am using my coaching tools to help him chart his own future. And in the process we're building a loving bond.

And that’s all I ever wanted.

How do you strengthen the relationship with your kids?
• Be a guide, not a guru
• Schedule in time just for them
• Listen to them with an open mind
• Ask powerful questions to help them explore their world
• Build trust. Trust is the foundation of parenting success.