External vs Internal Goals - A Transformation Story
My Garmin watch beeped, asking if it should save the run or discard it? Discard.
A few hours before I had lined up with 1000s of runners for a marathon. My friends had surely finished by now. I had come off at mile 19, slipped through an alley and found a bus waiting at the end of the line.
It would take my body and my ashamed self back to the city.
But the bus wasn’t moving yet. It was empty and the bus driver was just lighting up another cigarette whose aroma drifted in through the open doors. But it didn’t matter anyway, I was no athlete, at least not anymore.
Looking down, I was still wearing the bib we were given at the start of the race. I ripped it off.
Sitting alone in that bus next to a housing estate I thought back to where I was a few months ago. I had survived a 52-hour crucible event in the desert of California for which I had trained 18 months. I successfully defended my PhD thesis and started in my new role as Operations Manager. And most importantly, we welcomed our fourth child into the world and mother and baby were well.
I had been happy, fulfilled and bursting with energy just a few months ago. But when I was checking out my reflection in the bus window, I saw a body unfit to compete in a marathon, a family man just going through the daily motions and eyes devoid of any spark.
What went wrong?
I had pegged my happiness and sense of accomplishment on external goals for years. On titles:
At university I chased degrees. From Bachelor, to Master, to PhD.
At work I pursued new roles. From volunteer to middle management to senior management.
And even in the gym I had transformed from a part-time visitor to an assistant coach at my local CrossFit.
And the pursuit of these goals fuelled me. They taught me how to maximise my time and made me a better dad and husband too.
But now that those goals had been ticked off, the person sitting in that bus by himself was a mere shadow of his former self. Relying on past accomplishments to make myself feel better and fishing for excuses to fuel my self-limiting beliefs.
I had pegged my sense of self on goals, assuming they would lead to fulfillment.
Now there was nothing left to chase and with that my workouts got shorter and less intense, my diet went out the window and my mental exercises were a distant memory.
My wife, kids and business deserved a better version of myself.
But how could I find that version of myself who would crush a workout at 5 am, juggle between business and family all day, and have the energy to spare to teach CrossFit at 9 pm?
The bus doors closed and with a loud thud, the engine sprang to life. My reflection slowly changed while the bus was making its way to the city centre. And with it my mind moved from self-pity to finally understand what had been going on:
Externally motivated goals (a title or promotion at work) can get you going, and through discipline and hard work you can accomplish them. But this chase is unsustainable resulting in boom-bust cycles of your emotions. Earning a PhD, for example, means nothing to me now. It was a shiny object I was chasing, but it didn’t fulfil me or serve a bigger purpose. It’s just a title I never use.
You need to identify who you want to be, not what, and then build daily habits and systems to support that vision. You need intrinsic motivation and the desire to forge a better version of yourself every single day. There’s no finish line.
All those years hustling and running on that self-built treadmill made me get good at managing my time. And I thought that’s all you needed to be successful. Set a goal. Plan for success. Work hard. Tick.
But all the productivity optimisations are missing the biggest component:
Your energy.
The bus taking me to the city was following a timetable, but all the planning in the world wouldn’t help it reach its destination if it didn’t have fuel.
My extrinsically motivated goals didn’t provide me with a long-term vision of myself, which is crucial for happiness and a sense of direction in life. They did however force me to optimise my diet, sleep, workouts and mental practices. And those habits and routines had provided me with the energy I was now seeking.
The bus rounded a corner and I could see the familiar monument in the old town of the former capital. I pressed the Stop button, pulled myself out of the battered seat and stepped back into the crisp Scottish spring air.
On my way to the finish line to meet my friends I stopped by a Mcdonald’s, because why not? So burger and coke in hand I walked the last mile next to the racers. Everybody looked exhausted and hurting. Yet they were still in the race, they endured. And here I was, eating garbage feeling sorry for myself.
For years I had been sitting on a bus ticking off stops on the way. That journey had taken me to great places, but it also left me without a sense of direction.
It was time to get in the driver’s seat.
I made a promise to myself that this was my low point. I tossed the rest of the burger and coke in the bin and jogged to the finish line. I was not participating in somebody else’s race anymore, I was running my own now.
When I met my friends they asked if I had gotten injured. It would have been easy to say yes. But I owned my shortcomings and set myself free.
I went back to the practices that had served me so well in preparation for my extrinsic goals, but this time, I created a vision of a future self not defined by titles but defined by the pursuit of daily excellence.
A vision of someone who pursues self-mastery in service to others.
External goals still play a role in my life but only to help me forge myself into that future vision. Whenever I feel myself slacking off, I challenge myself by signing up for Spartan races, 75Hard or David Goggins’ 48-hour challenge of running 4 miles every 4 hours. I stick to my morning routine, journaling and mental practices, as they help me be the dad, husband and CEO my teams at home and at work deserve.
Fast forward to today (5 years after that marathon):
4 kids have become 6
A clear vision of who I want to be
An Operations Manager is now a CEO
I workout at least 6 days a week on average
The dadbod has been banned from the house
My marriage is blossoming more with every day
And I have the energy again to get up at 5 am, work hard all day and then chase my kids around the garden after dinner
And today I coach people on how they can build a life that leaves them with the energy to pursue their dreams. I call the system The Energy Accelerator. Because as Mark Twain said: “And what is a man without energy? Nothing – nothing at all.”
