Worthyfication

Please don't tell anyone, but I did not cry at my wedding or the birth of our children. 

I cried three times during Endgame!

The standout moment for me was when the hammer was summoned. But not by Thor. Finally, after all the struggle, sweat and tears, Cap was deemed worthy. A shiver ran down my spine and I was covered in goosebumps.

Why, I wondered, did that cinematic experience have such a profound impact on me?

Last year I signed up for a coaching course to become a better leader. Part of the holistic approach of the curriculum is to take a good look at yourself and see where your own struggles lie. After all, how can you show up to coach others, when you are constantly battling with your inner nemesis?

When, after a long and painful fight, I finally pinned down my elusive enemy, I took off his mask and discovered that his true identity was "being worthy".

But what is the origin story of my nemesis?

Looking back, I now realise that I have always been very fortunate to be surrounded by incredibly smart as well as fit people since my high school years. In a way I was part of the Avengers, but I saw myself as the helping hand, that Tony Stark robot who is always on the verge of being tossed out. 

I kept asking myself: who am I to hang with any of them?

Both the real-world as well as the fictional superheroes in my life seemed to embody everything that I was striving for. A strong character, a strong body and a strong mind. I had witnessed their journeys, saw them achieve greatness and always wondered: could I ever be an inspiration to someone else?

I guess I was seeking recognition in the form of Odin bestowing the powers of Mjölnir to Thor. 

So I went on a journey of becoming the best version of myself. I worked hard to become stronger, smarter and more in tune with my emotions to be of support to those around me. In the end I was still expecting to see my own Odin. 

Someone who would finally approve of my efforts. 

But no one ever came and gave me a hammer forged from the metal of a dying star.

What I failed to see was that it was not about an external event taking place in my life. 

So when Cap lifted the hammer in Endgame, I finally got it. 

He had been worthy all along - he could have lifted it back in Age of Ultron - but lifting Mjölnir was only externalising his inner strength and goodness. Being worthy is a state of mind that only I can attain and only I can truly bestow on myself.

My own journey has been one of worthyfication. And I am finally allowing myself to lift my Mjölnir now.